Missing Japan...

I've had this obsession with Japan (and basically, anything Japanese) since my pre-adolescent years, when all the local channels started showing animes or japanese animations (cartoons.) Over the years, the stories, the characters, the nostalgia and drama kept a hold on my heart and even led me to study the language. (Hontou ni!) I got so fanatic that I would watch their live action dramas over our telenovelas, listen to and sing their music more than OPM or even MTV (even though I could never understand all the lyrics) and of course, patronize their merchandise (toys, books and whatnot.) Food is a different story, as most people love Japanese food, but yes, that, too, hooked me in.

I found friends who shared my addiction with Japan and our one wish was to actually travel there and experience everything firsthand. I never thought that would actually come true for me, until I found myself on Narita Airport with R and his family on 2008's Christmas week.

It was in December (duh! Christmas! Haha!), so it was really, really cold. Maybe that was just me, since I have absolutely zero tolerance for cold temperatures, but once I stepped out of the airport's glass doors, I had to put on my thick jacket over my sweater (while underneath those I was already wearing a shirt and thermal underwear! Sheesh!) I was FREEZING!!! And the light rain didn't help me feel warmer. It was a good thing the bus that would take us to our hotel was on time (not used to it. Hahaha! I am a true Filipino!) I had a fun bus ride, not only because of the heater, but because of the view. I was finally seeing Japan. And the wave of nostalgia from the memories of my favorite Japanese programs overwhelmed me (not to tears, but to silence.) The roads were clean, and traffic was light. There were naked trees among those in full bloom, but somehow, they were still beautiful to me. I was disappointed not to have glimpsed Sakura trees, but it was winter season, so... *shrug*

The most exciting part of the Japan trip for me was the fact that I was finally in a place where all that I've learned in my Japanese language classes were finally necessary! Of course, my vocabulary sucked big time but it was still so much fun because I actually understood them and they seemed to actually understand me! The outrageous tuition fees finally paid off! :) I got to be the "tour guide" of our group, since no one else knew how to speak Nihonggo, and up to this day, it still amazes me that I got us in and out of the streets and back to our hotel just by asking directions from locals. I even tried my hand at haggling in one of the souvenir stores, though it didn't work out. They were ruthless! Hahaha!

It was an unforgettable, "dream-come-true" experience!!! (And I've got my boyfriend and his family to thank for it!)

Looking back at all the pictures we took made me think of the things I got to do and the things I missed. There's a lot that I forgot to do (like eating tempura) and the list just kept on going the more I reminisced.

Well, hey, reasons to come back, right? Hahahaha! Mwah! :)

Michael

How come I can't feel that he's gone? How come my heart violently refuses to believe that the person I've been watching and singing along with since childhood is now only living through all those videos and songs he's left behind? That nothing more will add to that legacy...that the voice with so much character can no longer be heard coming from his own lips?

I remember those idle summer days of my adolescence spent just glued to the television and watching Michael Jackson's videos. There was one channel that would dedicate the whole afternoon to him and I couldn't resist. I had to watch...over and over and over and over and over...

There was just something in the way he sang, the way he moved...it just amazed me. People called it star quality, but that's just limiting what he had. A lot of other people have star quality. He had something else...but I can't name it. Well, whatever it was, he was bursting with it. He had that ability to stop your heart for an entire concert and electrify your senses.

And even with all those scandals, all those criticisms on his personal life and all those crazy things he did to himself...I never stopped admiring the man on the stage.

But you know...his death didn't shock and numb me as much as the people's reaction, especially the media, who's been the frontliners in exposing his scandals. The media loved him when he as on top (as did the public), stepped and jumped on him when he was down, and now on his death, they love him again. Why can't they have realized his greatness when he was alive? Why now, when we can't ever see him on stage again? Will the jokes, the criticisms, the bashings stop now?

Why are people kinder and more forgiving towards the dead than the living?

If the reason is that it is because the living has the ability to change and remove all the contradictions in the way he lives his life, and that the dead doesn't, then I can accept it. But I sense that that's isn't the reason. I'm afraid to know for certain that it is just because of the sheer enjoyment of torturing another being.

...

I had this dream of seeing him perform live, and with news of the London concerts, I had high hopes that he would plan an Asian tour and come back to Manila. *sigh*

Goodbye, Michael. Moonwalk across the galaxy.

Love,
Niña

Indecision

I haven't decided anything...at all.

There are so many things I want to accomplish. So many things I want to get out of life. I know people might think I am being ridiculously adventurous or just plain ridiculous by trying to accomplish all of them. The thing is, I don't think it's ridiculous at all. These are the things I want to be able to do in my life. Is it impossible to be good at a lot of things? To be accomplished in a lot of things?

Haven't I proven that I can do what is asked of me? That I can give that which was demanded of me? That which they claimed was my duty to perform?

I have to try these things for myself. I have to achieve what I want to achieve, otherwise I would live the rest of my life feeling unfulfilled and cheated...not by others, but by myself. I don't want that. That's the worst thing that could ever happen.

This is just something I have to do. I have to see it for myself, to learn it for myself.

Tattoo of a Butterfly

Once, I got a henna tattoo. I was with R on a day trip to Tagaytay (this is a summer getaway in the Philippines and it's famous for the Taal Volcano, which is the world's smallest, and..I think...pineapples) Haha! :)

Actually, we only came there to eat and take pictures with our SLRs, but once we finished lunch, somehow it got into our heads to just explore the place. Our line-up was small, just a short visit to People's Park and the Pink Sisters' convent. When we got to People's Park, we found we had to pay, I think, about 50 pesos each person to be able to enter. There were four of us and we thought it wasn't worth it so we opted not to go on. However, to exit the place, you have to turn right at the entrance and pass inside the park. So, what we did was, we parked the car behind a tour bus, near some stalls. In short, we got in without paying. Haha! (Bad!!!)

The stalls were selling all kinds of stuff, mostly t-shirts, key chains and some filipino delicacies. But there was one stall that was offering henna tattoos. R and I exchanged looks and I knew then and there that he intended to get one. I didn't, at first, because I thought body art was something I would never go for. I don't plan on ever getting a tattoo (1: it hurts. 2: erasing it hurts more), but as I watched the guy working on R's henna tat, I got interested and went for it. (I mean, it's gonna fade by itself in the end, right?) I chose the girliest of all girly designs: a butterfly on my shoulder. :)

I was kinda thrilled when it was my turn. The guy was finished in minutes. He didn't even need to look at the drawing on his reference. Apparently, the design I chose was very popular among girls. :) Anyway, I don't know what it was about it, but that little thing on my shoulder kinda made me feel good. Everytime I wore clothes over it, I felt as if I was pulling a prank on everyone, that I had a sinful, exciting little secret. And whenever I would wear tanks or any sleeveless top that exposed my shoulder, I felt as if it was a little something that declared a part of who I was. It was great having it...

*sigh*

It's been months since that henna tat faded...

And I miss it so terribly! :(

I Love Sundays

My lazy sunday last week suddenly ran across my thoughts just now. I did nothing special that day, really, but it surprises me how much of an impact it has on my mind. You know what I did? I just stayed in bed all day, either watching videos, reading books or toying around with my laptop. It was a totally unproductive day. I just bummed around, forgetting work, forgetting responsibilities, forgetting everything.

Now that I think about it, it's bliss.

Everytime I think about that Sunday, and how that all of my Sundays would be exactly the same, makes it possible for me to face another 5 days of responsibility. It's that one day when I don't have to think about anything I have to think about...just those things I want to think about. The one day when I don't have to do those things I have to do...just those things I want to do. It's the day when I don't have to move.

Don't get me wrong. I love working. I love being productive. But at one point, I will always need Sundays. I will always need that moment of inaction amidst all the motions of this world.

Don't you? :) Mwah! :)

Meats and Eats

Today, I attended the 5th (?) session of my 5-month culinary classes at the Center for Asian Culinary Studies. I arrived 20 minutes late, but as I got out of the car, I saw that most of my classmates were still loitering outside having some smokes. I went in and sat down on my usual seat in the lecture/chocolate room (right at the front) and searched for my name in the pile of attendance sheets. I saw that we were going to have meat fabrication today so I got a bit excited, as I really love meat! (Ha! This from a person who was a vegetarian for four years.)

Anyway, I was about to write the date on my sheet when I noticed that all the other dates I've written were marked 2008! How lost in time was I? *sigh!*

The session started with a lecture on beef cuts and handling by Chef Joel. Then, we were given our assignments for the day and another hectic, but extremely fulfilling culinary class commenced. My group had to prepare carpaccio with roasted garlic mayonnaise, beef wellington, yorkshire pudding, beef stew, wild mushroom demi-glace, cognac demi-glace, chateau brion (i really don't know how that's spelled), rib-eye steaks and some potato dishes (i forgot what they were. I think one of them's mashed. Hahaha!)

I had so much fun preparing the meats, especially the beef wellington, which I had to wrap in puff pastry, chicken liver pate and wild mushrooms before chucking it into the oven. I was in a blissful reverie the whole day, surrounded by the sweet, succulent smell of spiced and grilled beef. Remember that drain I talked about last entry? I think I'm out. :)

But, you know, the best part of the day was still (and always will be!) the buffet at the end, where all of us will get to eat the dishes we prepared. For us, who cooked the whole day without a second's pause, that buffet just about sums up the breakfast, lunch and in-betweens we'd lost. *sigh...* Today was pure heaven! :)

Beef Wellington with (i don't what that's called) potatoes and cognac demi-glace. (This was so much fun to make!)


Beef Carpaccio with garnishes and roasted garlic mayonnaise. (I absolutely loooooove carpaccio! A lot of people in the class were apprehensive about eating this, since it's raw meat, but it's perfectly safe. Plus, it's divinely yummy!)


I think this is the Chateau Brion (again, I don't really know how that's spelled) with Wild Mushroom demi-glace, potatoes and veggies. The meat was pan-grilled to medium-rare.


This is rib-eye steak with bearnaise sauce, button mushrooms and yorkshire pudding. Like the dish above, this was also pan-grilled to medium-rare. (We wanted to cook it in the griller, so that we could get those crossing grill marks, but it was already full and we were pressed for time. We didn't achieve that smoky flavor, but it was goood nonetheless!)

I don't have pictures of all of the dishes we made. :( But that's ok. I have about 4 more months of this, so you can expect to find a lot of posts about the sessions.

Good night! Mwah! :)

Sucked in the Drain

How easy it is to lose inspiration...

And it's more difficult to deal with than that sudden burst of flowing ideas you can hardly contain. The only fear you have when you're inspired to do something is that you might overlook a part and lose it forever. With the loss of inspiration, however, your fear stretches on and on in a desert of nothingness. You lose the power of elaborate words and witty phrases that you once possessed in that crazed, almost high, state of...shall I call it enlightenment? No...I guess I can't find the right word for it now.

I'm in that desert, wandering, in desperate search for water. Once in a while, I hallucinate and drink it all in, only to find my mouth filled with rough sand and my tongue scratched with blood.

I hate it when I'm in a rut, when I'm sucked in a drain with no idea on how to get out, how to rise above this blackness of thought.

I know that tomorrow I'll feel better. That everything will fall into place soon. Maybe this is all just because midnight is near and sleep hasn't found me yet. I'm not sure and I can't be sure...not until I find myself at the top looking down.

*sigh*

That's right. That's all I can do for now. Just endless sighings...

*siiiighhh*

Good night.

Rushed Steaks and a Kiss

Dinner at R's last night. He had me picked up from home since he lives way over in San Juan and I'm in Laguna. You could say that's LDR, though I think it still doesn't count. So, I hurried home from work, leaving at exactly 5:30 (like I always do. Hahaha!) and immediately preparing all the stuff I needed to bring: my culinary tool box, his t-shirt that I wore home last time I was there, a pack of gummy bears, and the 2nd part of my "Congratulations for getting into Law School!" gift (he got into both UP and Ateneo Law, but he opted for Ateneo, hehe... We're True Blue people.)

*side note: The first part of my gift was an orange Starbucks coffee tumbler, coz when you're a law student, you need your caffeine. I gave it to him 2 weeks ago, or something. The second part, which I gave to him last night, was an orange Parker pen with an engraving of "Atty. R Lanete." Random question: Can you guess what his favorite color is? Hahaha! The third part is still a surprise. I'll tell you all next time. :)

So, back to my story. His driver, named Joshua, whom he nicknamed Bogart, came and picked me up at around 6pm. It only takes about 40-50 minutes to San Juan (the way he drives!) but it took us the best of 2 hours because of the INSANE TRAFFIC stretching from Alabang to Bicutan. When will that headache of a construction finish? What bummed me the most was that I was told to come home at 10, since the night before I was out with my friends til 1am. Anyway, we finally got to his house but he was almost done with the dishes. We were supposed to cook the dinner together for his family and some visitors (hence the tool box) but I didn't make it in time so he had had to start. That bummed me more, but since we had just two hours left to spend together, we decided it was useless to keep being depressed and just made ourselves happy with some stories, jokes and gifts. :) It was the first day of his orientation seminar in Ateneo Law, so he had lots to tell and we ended up laughing the whole night.

Anyway, we were still waiting for his mom to arrive, so he put the salsa pomodoro on simmer, waiting to add the ground beef to make it into pasta bolognese, and the steaks were left soaking in their luscious marinade. The clams were lathered with the cheese sauce, but they were still waiting their turn in the oven. Everything was on hold, until I found that it was already 10 minutes before 10pm. I had to leave, so he told me that we'd best have our dinner ahead of everyone else. We didn't have the time to enjoy some pasta, so we just had two steaks , some rice and sauces. We were rushing through dinner, but the steak was so juicy and salty-sweet that it compensated for the time were losing. After dinner, it was time for me to go. The night ended with a quick kiss as I got into the car.

When I got home, I had to fight another wave of loneliness as I began to miss him. I hate rushing through anything when I'm with him. It doesn't leave anything permanent to satisfy my heart. What it does leave are just blurred images that I can't hold, and last night, I was left with nothing, except for those steaks and that kiss.

Suffering from Student-Envy

So today, I'm facing regularization at work. I'm happy about it, but it just makes me realize more the things I've lost since I started my life in the corporate scene, brought on by a status update of a long-time friend. (Patrick!) He said he missed being a student, of being able to play Playstation 15 hours a day. Me, too! Hahaha! Oh, the good old days!

What do I miss about being a student? Now that I think about it, students are very self-absorbed, and are very, very lucky bastards! When I was a student, sure, I was worrying about grades, about school work, about projects, about friends, fights, crushes, boyfriends, everything under the sun! But those were problems I could easily take a break from. Yeah, yeah, my parents would scold me and nag me, yaddiyaddiya, but let's face it! We shut our ears once they start. Right? Right? Right! And you wouldn't care. You'd just throw some fits, drown in rebellion and be marked as 'cool' in the process among your peers. (Of course, I didn't do that. I'm a good girl! *cough, cough*) But, you see my point? Yes, there's work that you have to do, but it's something you can just put off for a few days until you absolutely have to do it. Students are masters at the art of cramming. And best of all, when you're beginning to feel as if you can't take any more crap from school, there's two months of absolute freedom waiting for you at the end. *sigh*

So to sum up: Students have the freedom to do what they want. Anything at all!

Work is different. You worry about a lot of things at work such as projects you have to do, co-workers you have to get along with, hot-tempered bosses, work schedules, etcetcetc... The bad thing about it is, if you dare to postpone your tasks, if you dare shut out your boss' instructions and if you dare throw a fit, you lose your job and you're left homeless and poor. (Exag, I know. hehe...) You can't postpone, you can't cram, you can't let go of your responsibilities. The worst is, when you're right on the edge, those two months of freedom are nowhere in sight. There's just the endless stretch of work after work after work after work... until you die! (Smile!) Kidding! Until you take a leave, which is limited and you really can't do that often.

But, you know... Even though I miss being a student, I don't think I'll go back down that road again for a while. Work has its own rewards, and the harder you work, the bigger it is. (or, so it should be) What's the reward?

MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!

Hahaha! :) Say what you want! Go ahead and tell me how greedy you think I am! But yes! I love money! And I will keep making it.

Student-Envy? Yes. Freedom with time-wise. But I don't have to ask permission from anyone if I want to buy something, or eat somewhere, or hang-out till late and drink numerous cups of expensive, pretentious coffee. So, if I'm suffering from student-envy, well, they have a reason to envy me, too.

Keeping it real! Mwah! :)

The Hell that is Butter Cookies

Buying that big can of butter cookies was the biggest mistake I made this week... (so far. >:D)

Yesterday, I went to SM Muntinlupa (which is, by the way, just beside my office) in search of lunch. I came from a bank in San Pedro and instead of going straight to the office, I found myself parking my car in SM. (Hey, it was 12 noon, lunchtime. I was not cutting classes. Hahaha!) I got out of the car, after a bit of trouble with parking (Confession! Terrible at it.) Upon entering the mall, I went straight to the supermarket and just loitered around the chocolate drinks and munchies sections. I ended up buying puto seko and a can of butter cookies along with a single pack of Mrs. Fields' big, fudgy and sinfully chunky chocolate chip cookie. After paying for them, I had a sudden urge to buy fast food and McDonald's immediately came to my mind. Good thing it was way on the other end of the mall. I had time to battle my ridiculous urge to binge and was strong enough to get out of McDo after only a few peeks at the menu. Success! Hahaha! :) My health-conscious side took over and I ended up just buying fruit juice. I was quite happy with myself, being able to resist something that I didn't really need to eat. Little did I know that the contents of my supermarket plastic bag were a looming nightmare. I ate the chocolate chip cookie on my desk while watching some flicks on my laptop. (It was still lunchtime, ok? Hehehe...Guilty!) And I thought that was it. I was full.

And then...

Little by little, my hand started reaching for that can of butter cookies and it wouldn't stop the whole day! They were just so tasty! Hahaha! I gave in and decided not to worry about it, until I began to worry about it. Have you ever felt that?

So, anyway, now, while writing this blog, I'm still munching on a butter cookie. I swear, I swear! I will never buy butter cookies again!!! (til next month... :) )

*sigh* There are just some things in this world that are hard to control. If saying "no" to a cookie is already so difficult, imagine the insanity of choosing between issues that truly matter in life.

Food for thought! Mwah! :)